The Beauty of Abandonment
The word abandonment can carry a lot of weight and, if anything, plenty of baggage with it. Despair, loneliness, feeling deserted, unwanted, or unloved can easily come over someone just by reading this word. Oftentimes culture can take a word and redefine it into something with a similar meaning as the original definition, but with a completely different connotation. I think that was the case with this word, especially considering that negative feelings or thoughts come to mind. These are true uses of the word, however I don’t feel that they paint a full picture of the definition that is actually stated in Merriam Webster's dictionary. I will even go so far as to say that there is an amazing aspect of beauty in abandonment. Yes, abandonment can be beautiful.
Struggling with Control: A Reflection on Emotions in Isolation
Control is something I think that the majority of people struggle with, at least I think for those that are honest with themselves. Recently, as we’ve been having to spend more time alone with our thoughts due to social distancing, we’ve been forced to look that much deeper within ourselves. When the things that we thought that we had control over are taken away, we begin to struggle and feelings of frustration, irritation, and sometimes even anger come upon us, which ironically enough can make us feel alone. Many of those same feelings and emotions I just described were the same as above when the word abandonment comes to mind. When we lose control, we can feel alone. We can feel abandoned.
The Paradox of Control: Exploring the Healthy Aspects of Abandonment
However, there is a very important distinction to make. There is the aspect of “being abandoned” and then there is “abandonment,” one of which happens to us while the other is an act in which we actually have control over. Paradoxically comes that word “control” again. So let's relook at that definition. The act of abandoning something or someone: to give up to the control or influence of another person or agent b: to give up with the intent of never again claiming a right or interest in. When we read that definition, there is actually so much healthy encouragement. How is that?
Reflections on Loving and Abandoning
Let’s reflect for a moment. How many things in our lives do we honestly try to claim as having a right to or interest in? How many people in our lives do we try to control or, if that word is too strong, how many do we try to have an influence over? If I am honest with myself, I am constantly doing that in so many aspects of my life and in so many relationships. I notice the struggle with “control” the most, either in relationships or in situations that do not go according to plan. That is the litmus test; that disappointment that comes over us when things are not as what we hoped or imagined. Deep down past those feelings is the reality that is staring back at us. As much as we would like to think otherwise, we actually do not have control over much of our reality, no matter how hard we try.
That is where the life-giving joy of abandonment comes in. Imagine the joy that we would have if we, in a healthy way, actually gave up trying to control things that we never had control over in the first place. What if we intentionally gave up the things that we claim a right to, that were actually never ours. Imagine the shalom (an absolute fullness/holistic peace) we would be able to experience. Abandonment is an act that we can actually control!
The Distinction between Abandonment and Love
There is another important distinction to make. In our society today, the other connotation that comes with “abandonment” is connected to a lack of love. Again, of course there are the cases where, for example, parents abandon their children and are not being responsible nor loving. Putting these obvious cases aside however, I would like to make the argument that we are actually loving others more when we stop trying to control them or claim a right to them. Perhaps it is more loving to not be so disappointed when people act differently than we wish or expect. We can be sad of course, especially if we are hurt by the situation. The difference is being able to give up the right of thinking that people should behave in the way we want, expect, and in many ways, try to control.
Learning to Love and Thrive Without Control
Loving people does not mean controlling them, and giving up control does not mean enabling them. Healthy boundaries can still be set, which is still another aspect of loving others well. AND we are actually loving ourselves and others when we stop trying to control each one of our situations and circumstances, whether it be something big in life (such as trying to control corona) OR something small that doesn’t go according to plan (such as being stuck in traffic).
It’s so easy for us to live our lives in this disappointment, frustration, and sadness. We’re constantly faced with the fact that we are really not in control, and the more we try to be in control, the more the emotions rise. I am in the process of learning abandonment, of giving up control. It’s through learning to love others and myself in a much healthier, life-giving way that enables me to thrive. Through that comes a peace, which brings shalom. I’m learning to recognize that I actually do not have control and that it’s actually a good thing, for me and for everyone else, who ironically also think that they have control. I am slowly learning. It is not a one time thing, but something that I am learning, relearning, and learning again as new opportunities keep presenting themselves.